I have cried myself to sleep every night since we have stopped talking. I can barely function, and at this point, I don’t even care. You were what was holding me together, your words were what gave me the strength to keep going. You gave me hope, when I was with you, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t make it through another two years like this, I don’t even know if I can make it through this week. I’m lost, I’m alone, and I feel like giving up.
I don’t let what others say affect me. Words have no meaning, until you give them one, they cannot hurt you until you let them. All my life people have always had negative shit to say. They don’t like my attitude, they don’t like the way I dress, they don’t like much of anything. And at this point it doesn’t even phase me, because I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’ve learned that for the most part people are shit, and I guess that I’m a pretty shit person too. But no one really gets anywhere by being nice. I’ve never met anyone that I could really be myself around, or anyone that I could relate to at all. But, then I met you. I let my down my guard, I told you the truth. You told me I was beautiful, that I was an amazing girl, you told me you cared. And out of all of the words that have been thrown at me during my life, those are the ones that come back to haunt me. Because I gave them meaning, I believed you, and you lied. And your words, they hurt me every single day.
I hate myself for not hating you. I hate that I believed you were different. You might as well have stabbed me, because that would have been so much easier than the pain that I’m feeling right now.
You have a way with words. It’s such a shame you don’t put it to better use. You beat me at my own game, something I swore I would never let happen. I don’t know what it was, but there was something about you that made me feel like I could trust you. Maybe I’m going crazy. Maybe I’m falling apart. Maybe I was still kindling the small bit of hope that you were different, that you could be different. You listened to my complaining, ignored by bitchiness, encouraged me to follow my dreams. I felt that I could relate to you. You told me exactly what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear. And I thought maybe things were starting to get better. I should have known that it was too good to be true, that good things don’t happen to me. You’re manipulative. You saw a damaged, fucked up girl, with a broken heart, and a bad homelife. A girl with big dreams, and who would take any oportunity to escape this small town. And you used that against her, against me. You lied, like I should have known you would. I was stupid to trust you. In the end, I can only blame the pain I feel now on myself, because I was the stupid bitch who trusted you. I’m smarter than that, I’m stronger than that. I’ve been through so much. I let you make me think that I was weak, and I hate myself for that. I hate myself for trusting you. I hate myself for hoping. I hate myself for letting my guard down, and I won’t make that mistake again.
I’m so sick of getting screwed over. Sometimes, it’s like I go searching for the pain. I can’t trust anyone. I am truly alone, and it sucks. I always tell myself that everyone deserves a second chance, but when I give second chances, I always end up regretting them. I always end up hating myself.
